What's on my mind

anxietyproblem:

anxietyproblem:

anxietyproblem:

Quick glances and stolen smiles in tenth grade biology class. Holding hands on the bleachers in gym. Drives to the mall, picking out chocolates. Long walks with me in sundresses. I love you, its been two weeks. Exciting firsts with the love of all the loves. Ball night under the stars in a field. College comes, hard goodbyes. Skype sessions, walks to breakfast in the cold chills. Wait outside classes to hear the recap on the way to the next. Waiting in the library until studying is done. Order calzones and it becomes our thing. Summer comes, complications with it. I miss you, come back. Things will be better, brighter, shinier this time. We have a future. New school, lives at home. Hard times on the family, I turn to you. The love of all the loves. Workouts in the basement. Learn together, push the limit together. Gym and gym and gym and gym. Trips to Wegman’s for donuts and protein bars. Go back to college, more bitter this time. In a house with people we don’t belong with. Tattoos gotten together, connected for life through the ink. Just breathe, we’ll be okay. Gym and gym and gym and gym. Video games fill the silences. Trips to new places, maybe this can be home soon. Graduation, attendance not necessary. Work in the same building, waves across the front of the store. Home life gets tougher, live together on the floor. Wait until 11:30pm to get you home. The love of all the loves. Summer comes and goes. Gym and gym and gym and gym. New place, shiny place, full of possibilities. Hardships, long days, low funds, bills are tough. Video games fill the voids. Competition comes and goes, filled with pride and confidence in you. Stretch the money, stretch the patience to make it work. You win, of course. Winter comes, so does the silence. The tears, the arguments, but mostly the silence. The second room becomes your home; where are you? Are you okay? Go to NYC for our anniversary; you get drunk and fall asleep at 830. Get violently sick in the hotel, happy Valentine’s day. Desperately search for something to give love and warmth. Clearance puppy Moose comes into our home, become a momma to the most handsome boy on the planet. Temporary happiness, yet your phone holds the secrets I didn’t want to know. Please don’t destroy this. The love of all the loves. The phone becomes more hidden, harder to get a glimpse of. You didn’t stop, but please. This hurts. Finally, the silence is louder than ever. You still didn’t stop, the hurting amplified tenfold. Have to get out of here before there’s nothing left. Try to move on quickly, don’t think about it. Thinking about it will open the wound that you’ve so carefully sewn shut without letting it bleed to get the toxic insides out. Found a love, but not the one. Good times, hearty laughs. Something is missing, it isn’t the same. My heart is intertwined with yours, no matter how hard I tried to break the tie. We text, you say nice things, reminisce on senior year of high school when happiness came so naturally.  Meet at the gym, at your home, maybe we can get this back. More secrets spill out but not from you, more pain inflicted. Be careful, Courtney. The wound get sewn shut again but this time not as neat. Bad thoughts and hurt feelings spill out often, leaving more and more scars every time. Gym and gym and gym. Things aren’t right. Walls are up, what are you up to? Please don’t hurt me again. Curiosity kills the cat, more messages uncovered. Rash decisions are made, a lease is signed, not by your name. Get over the pain, continue to work on rebuilding. Living together, things are going okay, a work friend moves in and ruins the solidarity. You leave, don’t like to spend the night. Try my best but your grip is slipping from mine. Please don’t go, the pain will be too much. You feel distant, your phone is the secret keeper again. Someone else is getting your attention. You go home, your stuff is dropped off, no trace of you left to haunt me. My pictures are already taken down.  I am alone. Pain tears through me, how do you do this to me? Seven years devoted to you becomes seemingly meaningless. I can’t breathe, all I feel is my heart being torn in two. The pain overcomes me, concentration is gone. Emptiness takes over, the bed is cold alone. Gym sessions alone, little to no motivation runs through me. Sadness has taken over its old home. Hard to see the point, the main focus is gone. The center of my world has declared me not important enough to preserve. Did I deserve this? Why did you do it? I am cold and I am alone, how long do I have to do this for? I can’t sew this wound shut, it’s too big to even attempt. Let it all out, let all the sad out. Where did you go? The love of all the loves. 

fukkce:

nothing is worse than having to detach from someone who has seen all of you